Andrew: The Musical
All cast members as themselves (oh goodie!)
The stage is dark, and only a monotonous tone can be heard. It is an eerie tune, one that haunts you in the middle of the night, when all of a sudden you wake up! - only find yourself in an ocean of sweat, you take a deep sigh of relief, but it remains, the song remains, and it keeps going, and going, and going...
"I, love, cheese!" OOGA BOOGA OOGA BOOGA!! Came the chorus. All of a sudden, the stage appears, with twenty masked figures dancing around a fire, like idiots. The creatures are evil, they make odd grunting noises and constantly hit each other. Finally, the maddening chorus quiets down, and seven of the beasts form a circle around the fire, all of a sudden, they each begin to take their turn. They say the lyrics, the sacred lyrics, that makes them an official member of the Pagoningimainframehackerpoptartloversocietyofmartinique tribe. "I, love, cheese!" says the first one, and when he finishes, the other beasts in the tribe cheer wildly. Then the next one says it, and the next, and the next. Finally it comes to the last member of the tribe, an odd creature, he begins the taunting lyrics, "I, love..." but he is cut-off! All of a sudden, from the corner of the Pagoningimainframehackerpoptartloversocietyofmartinique tribe's camp, comes a wild yell, and four men with pool noodles and stuffed lobsters come running out of the forest. They are Fijian scientists, and they are determined to capture one of these Martinique creatures. The men grab the beast which was singing the chorus last. The beast fights with all his might, but is defeated by the overall strength of the pool noodle. The beasts run wild, scared of the Fijians. And just a quickly as they came, they were gone, the scientists grabbed the young Martinique child and brought him to the coast. They shocked the beast to calm him down, but it was no use. The beast would not be calmed down. They threw him on the boat and began to leave. The beast looked out the back of the cage, as he saw his home being taken away. "I, love, cheese..."
YES!! NO!! YES!! NO!! "The chaos theory says nothing about events happening!" "We're not talking about the chaos theory, we're talking about a sub-division!" "Well why didn't you say so! It is all your fault!!" "No its not!!" "Yes it is!" In the Santiago science labs, a vicious argument was taking place. All of a sudden, Santiago walked through the doors, and the two debaters quieted down. "Gentlemen, I have wonderful news!" "Oo, do tell." said one of the scientists. "Our most recent expedition to Martinique has resulted in the capture of a very majestic beast!" "No, it isn't possible!" gasped one of the scientists. "Yes it is! On his way to the coast of Fiji right now, is, an Andrew Beast!" "HUH!" gasped the amazed scientists. "And I have decided to put you two in charge of handling him. You will experiment on him, and attempt to assimilate him into our society." "But Santiago, is that possible, an Andrew Beast? They are the most socially unacceptable, creatures, in the world!" "That is why I have chosen you two, our best scientists. Please, gentlemen, walk with me." The three men left the top floor of the science labs and began walking down to the bottom. "If we assimilate him into our society, we should give him a Fijian Family. Who do we have openings for?" "The Smiths, they are looking to adopt a child. And they'll be quite shocked when they find it is an Andrew Beast! HAHAHAHAHAH!" "Actually, they volunteered to adopt him." "Oh, well you just took the fun out of it!"
The next day Andrew arrived at the Suva International Boat Docks. He slowly came out of the black draped cargo drop-off area. He grunted viciously and shook at his cage. The Santiago special scientist members took a ten meter cattle prod and shocked Andrew, until he crawled back into his cage, shaken with fear. Then, using the cattle prod, they picked up Andrew's cage and put him in the back of a tractor and drove off. They arrived at the Santiago Science Labs, where the two scientists in charge of Andrew, Josh and Scott took a good look at him. "First, we should experiment on him, then we can brainwash him and give him a new life." said Scott. "Right, lets bring him in." agreed Josh, surprisingly, since usually, the two can never agree on anything. For the next two weeks, the scientists did experiments on Andrew, they tested him in different environments and made sure he was compatible with the human race. "Well, he failed that test." said one of the Santiago scientists. "Well, that is okay, I'm sure he'll learn to fit in (boy did that backfire!). After the two weeks, Santiago felt Andrew was ready to come to his new family. "We need to brainwash him in order for this to work. And remember, after his 14th birthday, we need to take him back here, so we can do more experiments on a more matured Martinique Beast." said Scott. "Right, do you want the honors?" "Oh certainly. Don't worry Andrew, this won't hurt a bit."
Scene 2 (12 years later, some time after Andrew's 14th Birthday.)
Suddenly out of the darkness a door appeared on stage. It swung open revealing Andrew, "I'm home!!! Now to eat my heart out! I'm home! Now to hack the mainframe! I'm so glad!! I'm hooome!!!! No more school! No more people! I'm home!" Andrew pranced around the stage smiling like a fool. "I'm home! I'm home! I'm home!" Then Andrew settled down and walked over to his computer while the lights dimmed. The computer then spoke out. "Remember what I told you Andrew. Stay in here! The world is cruel... the world is ugly!" Andrew joined in," The world is ugly" "The world is cruel the world is wicked. I'm the only one to trust in this whole city! I'm your only friend. I'm the one who cleans you, feeds you dresses you. I can look upon you without fear. But how can I protect you boy unless you always stay in here. Be grateful. Be faithful. Do as I say. Obey and stay in here! The computer faded away and Andrew walked toward the middle of the stage. "Out there, away from all inside! No computers out there! No pop tarts at all! Out there, underneath the sun! I'm afraid that I'll get a tan! Boy! If I choose a day to stay inside, oh, this would be it! So I'll stay away from out there!" As soon as the music stopped Andrew ran to his kitchen. Andrew then walked away towards his kitchen. Then the music started playing the Truman show song and Andrew slowly walked around his kitchen peering around corners looking for a pop tart. He stopped and looked in his cabinet. "Ah a pop tart!" Then Andrew quickly devoured it leaving crumbs all over the floor. "Now to do my homework!" Andrew walked to another part of the stage, which lit up revealing a scanner. Andrew took his math book and shoved it into the scanner. The scanner then began humming. Andrew joined in, "Hmmmm bbbeeeeppp hhmmmm hummmm beep hhhmmmmm hhuuuummmm!" Andrew then ran to the middle of the stage joining a ton of other people who had just marched in humming and beeping and they marched in place with Andrew in the lead, while pieces of Andrew's math book flew all around. "Hmmmm bbbeeeeppp hhmmmm hummmm beep hhhmmmmm hhuuuummmm!" The crowd cleared and Andrew went back to doing his homework. But he got distracted. "Hacking the mainframe! Brings joy to my heart! Mainframe Hacking is my life. I love to hack the mainframe. I can hack it all day long. Beta protocol into the 4ty port cable. Alta server html format. Audio cable into the mouse socket. If this doesn't work I'll beat my computer down! Hacking is my life and I want to share it! Hacking is my life and I want to do it! Hacking the mainframe!!!!" And then Andrew heard his mom calling. Andrew and his brother walked into the room and his parents were talking, "We have something that we want to tell you. Andrew, we're not your real parents! Daniel broke down. "Oh not you Daniel!" Daniel pointed at Andrew, "Ha ha!" Andrew stood there and gave a stupid face. "You're really from Martinique!" Andrew then started grunting and running around smashing into objects.
The next morning, a special Santiago Unit came to take Andrew away. The scientists were worried, however. Andrew didn't put up his usual vicious fight, he seemed dejected. Andrew was immediately brought back to the science labs. He was thrown in to a large prison cell. Andrew lay on the floor, to dejected to move, when all of a sudden, from another cell across the hall came a voice. "So, kid, what did they get you for?" "I, I'm from Martinique." stuttered Andrew, as he tried to see who this mysterious person was. "Martinique, eh?" "What did they get you for?" asked Andrew nervously. "Oh, I'm an inconsiderate prick who thinks he is popular but really is a big loser in life and no one likes me and I have no friends and the girl I like thinks I'm a stalker. I'm also stupid and ask too many questions. My name is Josh, Josh Stein." he said. "Oh." responded Andrew, a little shocked. "Y'know kid, we here at these labs speak of a prophecy, that one day, someone will come and release us from this hell, that wouldn't happen to be you, would it?" "Uh, I don't know." "I didn't think so." That night as Josh Stein slept he began to sing a song, to the tune of The Phantom of the Opera!!!!!. "In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came, that voice which calls to me, and speaks my name, and do I dream again, for now I find, the Mainframe hacker named Andrew is here, with me, by my side." All of a sudden Andrew, from across the hall began to sing the song too. "Sing once again with me, this strange duet, my hacking power grows stronger yet. And though I turn from you, because you're really ugly, the Mainframe hacker named Andrew is here, next you by your side." "Those who have seen you hack, draw back in fear, I am the protector," "but you're too weak." Your ugliness and my hacking, in one combined, the mainframe hacker named Andrew is here with you by his side." All of a sudden in the background came the retarded voice of Jason. "He's here, the mainframe hacker named Andrew." "In all your fantasies, you always knew, You'd never get Whitney, she is just, too cool. And in this prison cell, we call our home, the Mainframe hacker named Andrew is here, right next to you!" "Sing Andrew! Sing for me!" "Is there, a main frame hacker named Andrew!" "Sing, Andrew! Sing for me!" "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" "Sing, Sing, Sing!!!" "AHAAAHAHAHAHAH!" "What is all that racket!" a guard came storming through. "Quick Andrew, get to your bed and look like you're sleeping!" said Josh. Andrew just made it to his bed.
Over the next week, Andrew underwent all kind of testing to see if he was capable of surviving in Martinique. The scientists also studied what a grown Martiniquian looked like, and what his body was like, so they could build weapons and kill more Martiniquians. But, Andrew's body, weak after hundreds and hundred of tons of pop tarts and no exercise, was frail, and began to fall apart. When Santiago conducted an experiment to see what Andrew would do on a computer. Andrew didn't move!!!! He just sat there, on his chair, this really scared the scientists. Andrew wasn't using the computer! Andrew began to turn more white than he was before, if you can believe that. Santiago called a meeting of his top scientists, including Josh and Scott. Then, they tried another experiment. They put Andrew in a chair with a computer in front of him. Andrew went forward to use the computer, but all of a sudden, the desk with the computer flew backwards! Andrew was shocked. He ran forward to the computer, but it flew behind him! Andrew tried desperately to get to the computer! All of a sudden, Andrew jumped 12 feet, flipped and landed in front of the computer. "I got it!!!" The Santiago scientists were amazed! Then, Santiago put Andrew on a building and put a computer on another building, 100 ft apart. Now, Andrew, jump to the computer. Santiago went inside and was talking with Scott. "What if he makes it?" asked Scott. "Nobody ever makes it on the first try." said Santiago. Andrew stood back, and leapt forward. He landed right on the edge of the building, he caught his balance, and ran to the computer! "Huh! He made it!" "NO! Its not possible!" Then later we tied Andrew and Josh Stein up and brought them to a computer store. Josh started screaming, "We must save the computers!" Then we has some Santiago members go up to a Imac. "Hey! lets buy this Imac, because we can stick our hands in the monitor!" "Yeah! And it is usable underwater!" Andrew began shaking violently and trying to stop our Santiago members from making the fatal mistake. Afterwards, down in the prison cells, Andrew was being tortured as apart of his experimentation. They were playing Martiniquian music and holding pop tarts over his head to see if he would go for them, however he was tied down. All of a sudden, as if by a miracle, Andrew's hatred boiled over and he broke free from his bondage! He grabbed the pop tarts and gobbled them down, all of a sudden, he grew twelve feet tall and with every other pop tart he grew and grew until he was almost 100 ft!! "Andrew, remember what I told you, go to the computers! They'll give you strength!" said Josh, as he cried realizing that Andrew was the one who would liberate them. "Go with God Andrew!" Meanwhile as Santiago and his scientists debated what should happen with Andrew, a guard rushed into their room. "Uh, sir, you should see this." "What is it?" asked Santiago. "Oh, no!" Andrew was over 200 ft tall, and he had begun terrorizing Suva!
Andrew immediately went to the computers stores of Suva. Santiago hatched a plan to lure Andrew away from Suva. "Okay Dokey! Men! To lure Andrew away we will need 40 helicopters and 20 planes. We will then tie Andrew up with pool noodles and feed him poison pop tarts." Meanwhile Andrew was looking around for technical equipment, "Must screw up technical equipment!" Andrew then looked over the horizon and spotted the IFO. Andrew spotted the radio antenna. "Must destroy technical equipment!" Andrew then stormed the tower and climbed up to the top. In a desperate attempt to get Andrew down Santiago, brought out Mrs. Otterman. "Andrew! Don't you ever touch my desk or anything else that is mine!" Andrew frowned and looked ashamed. But it didn't work! Andrew climbed to the top. Giving out a grunt Andrew shook his fists in the air." Then from the horizon came several large helicopters carrying large pool noodles. Andrew swung at them in an attempt to destroy them. Planes came in with pop tarts. Andrew drooled and swung at the pop tarts. Nearly falling off the tower. Then Santiago's mega pool noodle hit Andrew in the back of the head knocking him off the tower in slow motion. He hit the ground with a huge impact. The helicopters quickly tied him up with noodles. "Sir, we got him!" "Good, feed him the poisonous pop tarts." Andrew accepted the pop tarts and was about to eat the pop tarts, when he thought, "Why am I taking these pop tarts? That was too easy. They try to kill me and then they are feeding me food? Oh, what the heck." Andrew quickly gobbled the pop tarts down. He then started shrinking. He then broke into a song, "My mighty dynasty has come to die! The pop tarts they fed me, they made me cry! I thought that I could rule, the world! That's when it came to me that I was hurled! Into a dimension beyond this world!" Then Andrew was back to normal size. And they started beating him with pool noodles. Santiago screamed, "We need to get him out of here! Stop beating him!" "We can't it's too much fun!" Santiago ran to the crowd and pulled the beaters away. "Get him to a hospital!" Andrew was rushed to a medical center. After Andrew awoke from his unconsciousness, he looked around the hospital. He looked into a room across the hall that said, Goggle Injuries and Rehabilitation. There were several people fidgeting with goggles, trying to get them off. "Am I taking these off right?" asked one. "No! Stop, you're not supposed to pull them out so far!!" The goggles snapped back hitting the patient in the forehead. "Quick! Send him to the ER, the OR, the ICU, the POR, the WR, and the HLP!" "The what?!" "The emergency room, operating room, post-operation room, the waiting room and the helicopter landing pad!" "Okay." Then a doctor came in to Andrew, he was carrying a 14 inch needle. "This wont hurt." Andrew passed out.
When Andrew came to, he was on a boat. He tried to get up but was restricted by something. "HM! I can't get out! HELP ME!" Santiago came over and talked to Andrew. "Promise to be good if I let you out?" Andrew nodded. Santiago let Andrew out of the cage. Andrew stood up and looked around. "Look familiar Andrew?" Andrew gasped. "Yes Andrew, you're home." Birds flew around and people grunted as Andrew stared in astonishment at his homeland. Santiago opened the door on the side of the boat. "Go Andrew, be free!" Andrew cautiously moved forward, then he ran and tripped into the river. "Yup, he is home." As Santiago left, Andrew and the Martiniquians waved goodbye. And Andrew was home.