James Bond in...
The World Is Too Much For Me
Bond - Santiago
Dr. Skin - Tyler
Money penny - Corky
Screwed Up Job - Gen. Juarez
English Intelligence Informant - Josh S.
M - Pablo
Q - Andrew
In a small little mining town in Siberia.....
A man walked along the road. He was wearing a long coat and a Siberian hat. He walked up to a street lamp. Paused and continued. He soon came to a gate. A guard was guarding the entrance. "Zoom in on the security." He taped his glasses. The guard looked over at him. He waved and continued back the other way. The streets were getting busy. He bumped along increasing his speed. As he was crossing the middle of the street he tripped and fell. 3 colt 45s, 6 Uzi's, 4 Ak-47s, and a grenade launcher fell out of his coat. The entire town stopped dead in there tracks and stared at him. They jutted there bottom lip out and stared at him. They eased closer. He stood up and began to run around the town, dodging the bullets coming from the guard tower outside the nuclear facility. Everywhere he went, people looked at him, with their bottom lips jutted out. "Um, turn around please." he said. He ran over to a man on a motorcycle. He punched the man and took the motorcycle. As he was driving away, one of the guards jumped on the back and began to choke him. With all the might he had, he drove off a jump, and in midair, jumped out of his seat, turned around, kicked the man twice, had a shot of brandy, smoked a cigar, and was back on the ground, in the nuclear facility. He drove into the warehouse, he drove to the stair case and began driving up. "Going up!" He got off at the roof. He drove and opened fire with one of the many guns in his back pocket. As he drove off the roof, he opened up his coat and took out exactly one metric ton of C4. He dropped it on the roof as he jumped off. As the building exploded behind him, he took out a thin piece of paper and yelled, "SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY!!" He landed and continued driving around the compound killing people. All of a sudden he perked up, "What? A girl being forced to marry against her will? NEVER!" he then went around town killing more people. After he turned a corner, he saw fourteen T-34's pointing their massive barrels at him. "Whoa, you could put somebody's eye out with that thing!" "James, get out of there, we have an air strike planned." "And that's my cue to go!" And with that, he turned around, jumped a fence, jumped over 12 buses, seventy barrels, and a partridge in a pear tree, while doing a superman seat grab...
James Bond in...
THE WORLD IS TOO MUCH FOR ME
And then G-Force played as an ominous tune played in the background.
"The world is, too much!" etc etc etc etc
Three months later, on the first class car on El Ave, the same man sat reading the newspaper. A stewardess came by, can I have your ticket Mr...." He slowly put down the newspaper. "Bond, James Bond. But you can call me anything you like." "Right." She left. After about another five minutes, James heard a banging on the compartment above him. "Hmmmmm..." He got up and opened the door. And there squished to capacity, was the informant. "I can't hump my trumpet." "Huh" Bond gasped. He shut the compartment and sat down in his seat. I can't hump my trumpet can only mean 1 thing, they need me at Mi-6." Then he heard the banging again. He stood up and opened the compartment. "Can you let me outof here please? I got to go to the bath room." "Oh, yeah, sure." Bond sat down again looking out the window, all of a sudden he felt dizzy, and fell asleep.
When he woke up he was in Mi-6 headquarters. "Where am I?" I just told you, ,you're in Mi-6 headquarters! "Oh right" Q walked over to him. "Why are you looking at me that way?" "There are two reasons I'm looking at you this way. One because you are the only survivor of a horrible train wreck, and two, because there isn't a scratch on you." Bond gasped, he staggered outside. Every where he went people were starring at him, when all of a sudden, he walked in to the lab. "SURPRISE!" "Oh, you guys!" It was Bond's birthday. "Hey look, a birthday cake." Bond went over to take a slice." Q Ran up to him. No 007, that's my fermented yeast cylinder with artificial glucose gelatin." "You mean, cake." "That's one way of putting it."
And as Bonds birthday present from money penny they had a live performance by Ruben Blades. Bond said, "Alright! Ruben Blades Live!" And so they partied and that was good. Bond was singing, "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry too if it happened to you." After the party when the janitors were cleaning Q came up to Bond. "We have a problem with a virus in Congo. Since you are our expert in disease control I'm sending you out there. Oh wait, wrong case file. Anyway, were sending you to Santiago, Chile to find out who was in charge of that Russian weapons facility. But before send you off I need to show you your new car. This should be fun." The garage door slid open revealing a Santiago hi-tech lawnmower. "Cool." "Wait it gets even better." Q sat down in the lawnmower and stared to press several buttons. "Let me just realign the St4 port." He started to tap something. Then he started to bang. All of a sudden smoke stared coming out of the wheels and the horn started honking. "Holy Shit!!!" Andrew furiously started pressing buttons and attempting to speak directions to the car. "Oh my god!" All of a sudden the car calmed down and stopped smoking. "Now i just want to check the voice recogni-" "Q, get out of the car." Q handed Bond a little thingy to put his finger on and drive the car. He drove the car around the hangar and the kid from the car commercial popped out and started singing, "Zoom, zoom zoom." Q turned to bond and said, "I know that you haven't had any fun lately but try to take this job seriously." But hey folks, this is a Santiago movie. We don't take anything seriously. He continued to drive it until he drove the car directly at Q and stopped inches before him. Q stared down and paused, a few seconds later he jumped up screaming like a little girl.
Later on a Fijian plane over south America a flight attendant was walking by James bond. "Hey babe, what's your sign? She blushed and kept on walking. An announcement stated that the in flight movie was going to be gladiator, followed by brave heart, followed by the patriot. "I thought that gladiator was a pretty good movie." Bond stated, "But anyone who thinks that it is the greatest movie ever made is stupid and should go in the corner and cry." He continued to read a newspaper. He then heard a loud banging above him. He stood up and opened the overhead compartment. The same Santiago English intelligence informant was stuffed in the compartment. "Not you again!" "This thing between my legs is bothering me." "Huh, I don't remember that being a code." "It's not a code, it means the thing between my legs is bothering me. And the code is: I sent a message to someone but I don't know if I sent it. And I don't know who I sent it too. So I don't know if I sent it to someone I don't know who is the receiver of my email I don't know if I sent to the person." Bond sat down. "That means that there is a file being sent to my comlink. He pulled out his handy dandy comlink. There was a file of a man called Screwed Up Job. This man was said to been working with the men involved with the Russian military arsenal. Bond looked out the window to see that he was landing. After retrieving his luggage he walked outside the airport. He looked out at the city of Santiago. There was a lot of people and so much stuff to do. Q's voice echoed inside his mind, "I know that you haven't had any fun lately but try to take this job seriously." Another voice echoed, "Happy birthday!" And one more voice echoed, "July seventh nineteen forty three..." He pictured allied bombers flying through the air. He finally snapped out of it. His lawnmower arrived in front of him.
spoke to the computer "Find the nearest discothèque"
He zoomed off. When he arrived at the discothèque he began to look for this
Screwed up job person. He noticed
that Jack was singing on the stage. He
started to dance with his infrared sunglasses.
He knew that Screwed up job would have a large arsenal of guns on him.
A woman walked up to him, "I know why you're here Neo.
I know why every night you sit at your computer.
You're look-" "Um I think you have the wrong guy."
"Woops." He spotted
Screwed-up-job in a side room. He
walked into the room and snapped some pictures with his camera.
Screwed-up-job started to walk away.
Bond followed him outside. Screwed-up-job
quickly got into a black Lincoln. Bond
looked around to find a way to follow him.
He saw a motorcycle, "Two wheels."
He saw a minivan, "Four wheels."
He saw a large shipping truck, "Eighteen wheels!"
He hopped in and drove off after Screwed-up-job.
He quickly drove down the alleyways of Santiago following Screwed-up-job. The Lincoln went up a parking garage ramp.
Bond followed. There waiting for him was a whole team of bad-dudes.
He quickly jumped out of the truck before a rocket hit it making it
explode. He took out the little
do-hickey that Q gave to him. He pressed the homing button.
On the view screen he could see the car coming to get him.
The bad-dudes were after him now. He
quickly climbed up the fencing to the next level of the parking garage.
They zoomed around up the ramp. By
the time they had gotten to the next level he was on the level above that.
Finally when he got to the roof he was trapped.
He tried to hide but to no avail. The
gathered in a group and the leader came forward.
It was Screwed-up-job! "And
now Mr. Bond, you shall die! Bwahhahahaha!"
As Screwed-up-job leveled his gun Bond looked down at the thing-a-ma-bobber
Q gave him. It showed the car zooming toward him. He looked across the street below to see the lawnmower on the
roof next door. "Have a slice day!" He put his finger on the wheel and
drove the lawnmower off the ledge. It
leaped in the air directly towards the bad-dudes. The bad dudes looked at each other as Bond pushed the Blades switch. The
lawnmower blades started and landed directly on the bad-guys chopping them to
When he got to his 5 star hotel he asked the waiter to show him to his
room. He smiled as he got in the
elevator with Bond. After
pressing the button for the roof he quickly injected bond with sleeping
medicine. On his way to the roof
with bond asleep the elevator stopped on the 6th floor.
People started to get in. He
thought to himself, "This isn't supposed to happen!"
He tried to make it look like Bond was awake.
People were looking at him oddly. He
started to snore. "He's got an
allergy problem." The people
in the elevator nodded. The
elevator was now more compact. As
people pushed in he was forced to let go of Bond.
Bond stayed standing squished between four people on the other side of
the elevator. Then on the last
floor before the elevator the people quickly got out of the elevator.
Bond almost fell but the evil dude caught him.
Bond woke up, feeling very dizzy. As he tried to scratch his head, he realized he was strapped down to a table. "So vewy good to see you, Mr. Bond!" "Huh! Dr. Skin!" "You are correct, its is so nice of you to join us for this vewy special event, Bond. You are just in time to try out my newest creation, the creation that vill help me take over the vorld! Muahahahahha!!!!" "You'll never win, Skin! Hey, that rhymes, win, skin, win, skin, well never mind! but you'll still never win!" "Oh, but I'm afraid I vill vin Bond, and you can't stop me! Muahahahahha!" "Hey, you said 'muaha' twice. You can't do that, you only say muaha once in on scene." "Hey! I can say muaha when ever the hell I want to!" "Fine, but it won't be correct!" "Hey, who here is strapped to a table about to die, you or me? I can say muaha however many times I want to!" "Oh, well you can say muaha how ever many times you want, but that doesn't mean its correct." "Excuse me, could we please move on?" asked the director. "Fine but its all his fault, he doesn't know the pwoper...damnit! Know I'm talking with a lisp, its all your fault!" "Hey, you can't blame me for your speech impediments-" "That's enough! Move on with the scene!" "Prepare to die, Bond! HAHAHA!" Skin walked out of the room and as he left he pushed a button. Bond starred in disbelief as the massive steel tube slowly came down, and prepared to kill him. Bond thought to himself, "I can't die. I'm too young. I haven't climbed Mt. Everest, I haven't danced the Charleston, I haven't even tasted Crème Brule!" All of a sudden four large brushes came out of the tube hit Bond, and began brushing. Bond opened his eyes. "WAIT ONE SECOND! What the hell is this!" "Vell, Mr. Bond, how do you like my newest invention!" came Skin's voice over the intercom. "What is this machine called, exactly" "Vhy, it is my skin cell destroyer! HAHAHA!" "Right..." Bond had to get out of the "evil clutches" of the machine, but how? He was strapped down by metal chains, and surrounded by armed guards! All of a sudden, he saw in his hand, a power drill! "Hm, I wonder where this came from?" he didn't think very fast, because soon, he had broken out, and was using his superior karate moves on the guards, he grabbed one of the guards and threw him down on to the table, he strapped him down and activated the mechanism. He found an air duct, and began to crawl through it.
Skin was walking with his scientists, "I want to design the machine to wipe
off as much skin as possible. I
mean I want dead cells all over the floor.
The scientists looked at each other and shrugged there shoulders.
Dr. Skin proceeded into the room where bond was being held.
There on the table was the giant skin-killing machine wiping at the
Bond exited the air vent in the basement of the building.
As he was brushing himself off he heard, "Noooooo!!!!"
He smiled to himself. He
looked around to see where he was. Since
it is a hollowed out volcano the walls were all black and like charcoal.
The room smelled of sulfur and was dimly lit.
He walked along the narrow passageway along a steel boardwalk.
After walking some ways he came to a steel control panel.
It was the controls to the whole building.
There were dials such as Window Shades, Temperature, Disco Balls,
Expresso Machine, etc. Bond turned
the temperature dial all the way down. The
building became freezing. He
finally looked to the bottom of the panel.
There was the holy skills button. He
ripped it out of the wall, "I could use this later."
Dr. Skin was talking to the head of security, "I want you to find
him, Now!" "Yes Dr. Skin"
He pressed a yellow button, "Yeah little chipmunk we have a 413 this
is big daddy, out." Pretty
soon a squadron of highly trained professional soldiers showed up.
They ran into Dr. Skins office. They
were looking around when the leader put his hand in the air.
Dr. Skin questioned, "What are they doing?" "Don't worry
they're highly trained professionals."
The leader then yelled out, "They're in the walls!, They're in the
walls!" The team then began
madly shooting the walls up of Dr. Skins office while yelling.
They continued to shoot while Dr. Skin hid under his desk.
The leader put his hand up again. The
team became silent. The walls were
crumbling. They walked around
looking for Bond's body. "Oh
well, let's try another room." After
giving the SWAT team the boot Dr. Skin went to his scientists to find out where
Bond exited the tunnel on the side of a Volcano.
He immediately knew that it was in the Galapagos islands.
There was a group of turtles singing, "In the Galapagos islands!
Having so much fun!" Bond
continued along the mountain where he came to a lagoon.
There were several jet skis in the water.
Bond jumped on one and started the engine.
Suddenly 10 guards popped out of the trees and ran after him. They hopped on the other Jet Ski's and followed him.
One fat guard's jet ski was dead. He
got the jumper cables from his car and jumped onto the back of the jet-ski.
He was awarded a Darwin award. James
rode his Jet-ski up a river. The
bad dudes were close behind firing at him with machine guns. Bullets splashed in the water all around him.
He took out some tacks and through them behind him, "That'll deflate
their spirits!" The tacks sank
into the water. "Well that
didn't work very well." He
sped along until he came to a fork in the river.
He took the path that went downstream.
When he thought he had lost him a bad guy all of a sudden jumped onto his
jet ski and started to strangle him. Bond
put on the cruse control and started to fight the bad guy. With the jet-ski going about 50 mph down the river the bad
dude said. "So what will it
Guns?" Bond stood up
and took out his saber. The slashed
at the bad guys legs but he parried. The
bad guy lunged only to be dodged by Bond. The
bad dude then punched bond and took his sword.
Bond looked ahead there was a waterfall coming.
The bad guy continued to fight him.
Bond then quickly jumped up in the air like trinity.
He paused in mid-air to take out a thin slip of paper, "Together we
can stop El Nino." He then
kicked the bad guy down so that his arms were hanging over the handlebars.
Bond grabbed onto a branch overhanging the river.
The bad guy slowly got up and turned around.
There was the waterfall 100 yards away.
With the jet-ski zooming ever so close the bad guy grabbed the keys to
turn it off. The keys broke off in
his hand. "Oh poo” The
jet-ski flew off the waterfall. Bond
climbed the branch over to the shore. He
looked around. He was in a dense
tropical rainforest. The canopy was
far overhead so he couldn't see where he was in the Galapagos.
He wandered along eating berries, "Tastes like chicken!"
It was getting dark when he came into a clearing in the forest.
There were several huts and there were torches lit.
He was really thirsty and needed to find the people.
He heard singing. He ran to a clump of bushes and looked on at the tribal
dance. People with bones and hats
made of fruit were dancing around a campfire singing. "I love...Spam!"
Bond tried to get closer when he tripped falling heavily to the ground
dropping 6 m-16s, 2 colt 45s, and a shotgun.
"Not again!" The
tribal people gathered in a circle around him.
The music still played. Bond
decided he would have to make a move to gain the tribes trust.
He slowly got up and started dancing.
The tribes people looked at them and looked at each other.
They nodded their heads and chanted, "Go white boy, go white
boy." He continued to dance.
The party went on for many hours and he ate drank and was merry.
After the party had calmed down a girl walked up him and sat down next to
him. "I'm the queen of the
tribe. There's a prophecy here you
know. It says that one day a man
will come to save the village of the evil clutches of Dr. Skin. The
prophecy said that the man would have super powers that he would use to stop Dr.
Skin. You wouldn't happen to be him
would you?" "I don't think so."
She looked depressed, "You can always hope."
But while your here why don't you come into my tent.
There was whistling and oohs coming from the tribe.
The princess walked into her tent. Bond
decided to follow. As soon as he
walked in Censored Censored Censored Romped
Censored Censored Up and Down Censored
Censored Crazy nymph Censored Censored
Censored Manly chest Censored
Censored. And the business was finished in the lavatory.
In the morning the tribe was looking depressed.
Bond thought of what he could do to make them feel better.
"I have a plan!" All
of a sudden Santiago scientists
jumped in from the bushes and started beating a tribesman with pool noodles.
The stopped, looked at the other tribes members and looked at themselves.
"Is this a bad time?" "Actually
it is." Bond replied.
about tomorrow, say noonish." "Sounds
good." The scientists nodded
to each other and left. Bond
continued with his emotional speech. "I was once in a tribal village a long time ago and a
tribesmember spoke to he. When
things were down, when nothing was going well he told me to hold my head high.
He wanted any tribe that was to follow him to keep on going and to never
give up. And you know what? He did.
He held his head high and carried through and the entire village with
him. So now I'm telling you not
because of what I want or of what we want but he wants."
The whole tribe stood up and clapped and cried and there was cheering and
much rejoicing. "Now come
closer and I'll tell you my plan." They
huddled around bond who had rolled out a chalkboard.
He started to draw Xs and Os like a football coach.
The next morning Bond and Pablionata got into a canoe and paddled up the
river. When they got to the base a giant volcano they hopped out.
The volcano was huge and it was a straight incline of black rock.
They stopped and put war-paint on. They
put on bandanas and slung ammunition rounds around their shoulders. "Wow we look like the hunters in this Bambi movie I
saw!" They began to climb to the top.
Dr. Skin, back in his hideout, was looking at many different screens with
different views of different parts of the island.
He looked at a view of the volcano.
He saw Bond's figure climbing up the rocks.
He touched the screen lightly with his fingers, "James, where are
you going?" Bond continued to
climb to the top of the volcano. When
he and Pablionata got to the top of the volcano they looked into it's massive
crater. At the bottom along the
rocky surface was a door. They slid
down to the door's entrance. They
ran down the hallway to come to a large room with many control panels.
It led onto a large floor with many steel tubes.
"Good evening Mr. Bond." Bond
looked up to see that the flight above him was covered with Dr. Skins elite
guard. "And now Mr. Bond
pwapare to be destwoyed. Bwahahah
Bwahhah Bwahahahahahaa!" The
guards then repelled down the the floor that Bond was on and ran towards him.
"It is a good day to die."
Bond and Pablionata opened fire and began mowing the men down.
Bond threw a grenade which allowed them to run away.
Bond ran down several hallways. He
ran into a large room that looked like a docking bay with thousands of storm
troopers in formation. He ran back
the way he came and ran out a door onto the volcano crater.
A large pile of dirt began to move in front of him as he stood.
The large pile of dirt revealed a gigantic robot that contained Dr. Skin.
The robot then advanced and revealed two gigantic brushes.
Meanwhile down at the base of the volcano... The native tribe entered the room where bond had escaped earlier. They found a box that said, "Pointless wires and Usless switches." They ran to the control box and began ripping and pulling wires while letting out ape noises. One native flicked the volcano stabilizer to the off position. The volcano began shaking as the natives ran out of the volcano
giant robot ran after Bond and Pablionata when they too felt the rumbling.
The volcano then began to fill up with lava.
Bond quickly ran away as the giant arm of the robot grabbed him.
The lava flooded the ground below his feet.
He shot at the robots arm making it spark. He jumped onto the head of the monster before the arm sank
into the lava. Pablionata did the
same and they both stood on top of the giant robot's head. Dr. Skin then appeared on the top of the robot's head.
"Pablionata, stay back I have some unfinished business that I am
going to finish." He turned to Dr. Skin, "You killed my father and now I
shall kill you!" "No I
didn't." "Well it makes
it more dramatic." A gong
sounded as the two ran towards each other and began a intense martial arts
combat on top of the robot. Pablionata
was knocked of the robot when the volcano quaked.
She quickly grabbed onto the side of the robot as the lava continued to
rise towards the robot. Bond and
Dr. Skin were now dressed as knights and were duking it out with morning stars
and maces. Bond swung at Dr. Skin
with the mace but he caught it and kicked bond.
Dr. Skin then went for Bond with the morning star.
Bond jumped up as the star swung under him.
Dr. Skin then tried to jump up but bond pushed him back down by holding
his foot with his own foot. Bond
then got into a head lock by Dr. Skin. "Hear
that Mr. Bond, that is the sound of inevitability, and the sound of your
death." Bond stuggled to get
free but to no avail, "I coulda been a Contenda, I coulda been
somebody!" Bond then flipped
him over his head and flung him onto the ground.
A helicopter arrived next to him. The
natives had apparently captured on of Dr. Skins Chinooks.
Bond looked around for Pablionata. He
saw her fingertips on the ledge. She
now had to hold here knees up to prevent being burnt.
The natives yelled out, "Hurry up!"
Bond grabbed Pablionata climbed up and jumped into the helicopter,
leaving Dr. Skin behind on the head of the giant robot.
Dr. Skin got up clumsily as the lava began to pour onto the head of the
robot, "The Children, they called me Mr. Glass"
Bond just shook his head and turned and looked on into the sunset.
It looked very similar to the ending scene of Jurassic park and so we
played the jurrasic park music.
On the way back to Fiji James had to stop in Argentina because it was requested that he come to be honored for his heroic efforts to save the Galapagos which is sacred to Argentineans. Bond was in a parade that honored him by playing Procession of the Sardaar. When the parade was over and he was getting into the plane. He turned around on the boarding ramp to face all the Argentineans. He then broke in song singing Don't Cry For Me Argentina. As he got onto the Chinook and sat down he heard a banging above him. "Alright I'm sick of you." He took the informant out and threw him off the Helicopter. A screen appeared in front of bond. Q's face appeared. "Good job 007! We are anxiously waiting your return. I have prepared a detail-" "Wish I could talk Q but I have more unfinished business, which I plan on finishing in the lavatory." He winked at the camera as he clicked off the monitor and the Chinook flew away into the sunset.