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Santiago Productions Presents...

The Latin-American Tour

Characters

All characters are as themselves

Story

    A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…. oops, wrong story. What I
meant to say was… a long time ago in the Amazon Basin… Frogs. They are very
majestic creatures. Everyone knows that frogs go "ribbit," right? Well,
little do most people know, frogs really say, COQUI! You are probably
asking yourself, "what the hell is coqui? Well, since you're that interested,
I think I'll give you a little background information… 

    Santiago, his faithful turtle Pablo, and his best friend Jack decided to go on the tour of a lifetime, visiting every major attraction in Latin-America. As their plane touched down in Buenos Aires, one of the stewardesses informed Santiago that his tour guide was going to be the infamous Corky Beebart! Corky was well known in these parts, time was, people said Corky used to attack frogs on the Amazon Basin! Santiago was well aware of his tour guides past, but tried to remain optimistic about their tour. However, no matter where they went, Corky was all ways so, well, "frog crazy"! The first stop on the tour was in Uruguay. Unfortunately, that part of the tour was cut a little short due to Corky's pronunciation of Uruguay. He happened to say, "You are gay" while mentioning the hotel of choice for the boys to stay in. Pablo viciously attacked him telling him that he had a girlfriend named Pablina. However, prior to the attack of Corky, they visited the world famous… Uruguay Zoo! They had a great time looking at
all the animals, but for some strange reason, Corky seemed obsessed with
the frogs! "Hey guys look what it is!" "Cork, its frogs. There are lots of
frogs, you don't need to drool." "I know, lots of frogs, lots of frogs, lots of
frogs….." his voice trailed off. "C'mon, Cork, lets go." As the boys
traveled through Uruguay, little to their knowledge, Uruguay was in the middle
of a vicious rebellion. Señor Tyler Strickland and his ugly wife, Juanitanator
(who has a secret love for Frank, don't tell anyone!)  were behind the evil
attack. Senor Tyler was an immediate imitation of Santiago, which is
why they hate each other. Tyler has a pet otter, named Otto from Ottawa.
Santiago has a pet purtle, named Pablo…from, uh…oh yeah, I got it! Santiago has a pet parblo, named Pablo, from, uh…darn it! I had it! Umm… aw, screw it!
Anyway, Tyler was trying to destroy the good president in Uruguay, Senor
Joaquin! Joaquin was slowly losing power to the obese, ugly, stupid, etc. etc.
etc. Tyler! Joaquin immediately radioed for help. But none came, he quickly abandoned his post as president and was soon on the streets, running for his
life when he luckily fell upon Santiago! "Hey, what the heck is wrong
with you, get off a'me!" "Oh, sorry, who are you guys?" "I'm Santiago, this
is Pablo, this is Jack, and-" "I'm Corky!" Put in Cork "he is Cork. So
who are you?" "I'm Joaquin, President of this nation." "Neat! I've always
wanted to be president. So what are you doing down here?" "Well, the evil Tyler
and his queen Juanitanator, (she has a secret crush on Frank, don't tell anyone!)
kicked me out of office!" Santiago gasped, he knew of Tyler and his ugly queen
Jessie, they were pure evil! "Well, you can join us!" "Hey," butted in Corky,
"why don't I get a say in this! I am the tour guide!" "Your point being…"
asked Santiago. "Never mind." Said Cork, sounding very upset.
Well, after leaving the warring land of Uruguay, they soon found
themselves in the happy land of Brazil. "Ah.. Brazil, lots of sun and
frogs! Er.. lots of sun and girls!" Cork's first words puzzled Santiago, but
no matter, they all had a great time watching Jack go windsurfing down the
Amazon, unfortunately for him, no one told him that lots of people go
Jet skiing down the Amazon and that it was very narrow. Therefore, before
Joaquin got a picture off, Jack had been sucked into the engine of a Seadoo®
water jet. He was then thrown 1000 feet in the air before landing on a tree, and then plummeting another 150 feet to the rocks below. But of course, Jack's
stamina endured, right Jack? "I guess so, uhhhh." Well, we seem to have
lost Jack but uh, he should be coming back any minute now, right Jack? Jack?
Uh, close cameras! Call an ambulance! Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. "We are sorry for the delay, we will return to normal broadcasting momentarily" Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!…..OK! Back to business. Jack is feeling better, right Jack?! “Yeah… ehhh..” We lost him again. Darn. Moving on! Where was I, oh yeah. After that, they took a walk near the Amazon River. However, right when Corky was explaining to them about the majestic, Fruitenhagen Tree, he was kidnapped! “And this, my friends, is the Fruiten-“ “Cork?! Uh…Cork! Where are you!” “He disappeared!” Little did Santiago know, Cork had been kidnapped by the frogs! They were getting revenge on him for violating their ancestors! It was true! All the stories were true! Cork really did do all those evil things! Why Cork? Why? “Because if I didn’t, we wouldn’t have a movie.” “Oh, yeah!” Well, after Cork was kidnapped by the frogs, Santiago, Pablo, Jack, and Joaquin wandered, helplessly for days. Finally, however, they came to an ocean, and using a boat made out of reeds, they sailed to where ever the wind might take them. After drifting around for about, three days, they came upon the majestic land of, Puerto Rice! Er..Rico. Little did Santiago know at the time, but Pablo was keeping a deep, dark, secret about Puerto Rice, that he never told anyone. The boys traveled for days without anything to eat or drink. Finally, they came upon the land of, EL YUNQUQUE!!! There, they feasted upon coconuts and wild berries, until, of course, Jack got poisoned and was sick for about 10 weeks with yellow fever and malaria, but that is another story (see “Jack gets Sick,” slide 10 verse 17 for more information.) Soon they, came upon the majestic waterfall of El Yunquque. As they looked upon the parrots one of them screeched out, “PABLO!! SQUAWK!!! PABLO!!” “Saque?! SAQUE!” Saque the parrot came swooping down and stood next to Pablo. “Pablo! How ya’ doin!” Saque, man, I’ve been great! I got a new master, Santiago, he is great! Oh! Guys, this is Saque, when I lived here me and Saque were great friends!” “You lived here?” asked Santiago. “Yeah! C’mon Santi, all people and animals got to have a home!” After introducing Saque to Santiago and Jack, Pablo and Saque wandered off. Once they were far away from the other guys, Pablo turned to Saque and said in a dark voice, “So, Saque, where are the birds that murdered my parents?” “They flew the coop right after you left.” “Where are they now?” “Well, I don’t know, you’ll have to, refresh my memory.” “All right, how much?” “Fifty. No more. No less.” “You, I thought I could trust you. Instead, I waste precious coconuts!” “There, take ‘em. I hope you are happy.” “COCONUTS!” “Shut up, you moron. You wanna attract attention?” “Sorry, the birds are in the cove next to the waterfall,” “Saque, will you come with me? “Alright, I’m there.”

            The two walked back to camp. “Me and Saque will, uh- go do some stuff, bye!” The two walked off. Soon they came to a cave. “Pablo did you eat enough beans? “Yeah, yeah, lets get this done with.” They entered the cove. There sitting in the corner smoking cigarettes and drinking beer were four parrots. Pablo looked at them "Remember me? I'm the son of Pabloqui and Pabloquai, you murdered my parents!" "The parrots stood up, and paid attention to what he had to say. "So, the young Pablo finally returns, to face the murderers, eh?" "Yes, yes I have Saquosti, and let me warn you, when I left El Yunquque, I was nothing more than a weakling, but now, after living in a nuclear reactor for 2 years, and pumping some serious iron, I am ready to take you guys on. Saque, you ready?" "Ready as ever, Pab." "GO!" Screamed Pablo. Saque ran out of the cave. The four parrots got up preparing to attack Pablo, but then, all of a sudden, Pablo turned around! The parrots thought he was going to run away, but Pablo had other ideas. He let out a long, satisfying fart, the parrots broke down laughing! But then, all of a sudden, an ICMB came right out of Pablo's butt! That's right! Right out his rear! The parrots exploded! Pablo was thrown out of the cave, right next to Saque. "Man, that was so funny!" squealed Pablo. "Yeah, they're dead!" Lets go back to camp. When they returned to camp, Saque decided to help out. "So, are you guys lost or something." asked Saque. "Yeah, our guide was captured by frogs in the Amazon basin, so we made a boat out of reeds and floated here." "Right, well, how about I finish your vacation!" "Great!" said Santiago. Saque then flew Jack, Pablo, Joaquin, and Santiago back to South America. "So, where shall we begin. How about Peru?!" "What is in Peru?" asked Jack. "Oh, you'll find out." yelled Saque.

   "Here, it is. MACCHU PICCHU!! Macchu Piccu is a very majestic city. It is located in the Andes Mountain Range. "Boring!" said Joaquin. "Gee, its a long way dow-" Jack had begun to say before he slipped off the mountain. "Jack! Are you okay?" yelled Santiago. "I grabbed on to a rock, so I'm not dead, yet!" "Okay, don't go anywhere!" "I'm staying right here." said Jack. "Okay, guys what do we do, I need suggestions." said Santiago. "Well," began Pablo, "If the man doesn't die, I mean, he was sucked into a Seadoo water engine and then thrown over 1000 ft into the air, don't you think he could just fall?" "Just fall? Sure good idea!" "Jack!?" "Yeah! I'm here!" "Jack, we want you to just fall." "What! What are you smoking? I'm not falling." "Listen Jack, if you can survive being sucked into a Seadoo, we think you can survive this." "Good point, all right, I'm falling!" And so he fell, and he fell and he fell, hitting every single rock on his way down. "JACK!! Are you okay?" "Yeah, just fin-" and with that Jack feinted. "I think he is okay!"

    Well, the boys left Macchu Piccu and continued traveling down the Andes until they come to the city of Santiago. Meanwhile, in the harbor at Santiago, in an oil tanker... Corky was being held hostage by hundreds and millions of frogs who occupied the oil tanker. "Well, Cork, you leave us no choice, now we will kill you!" "Why, I don't want to die!! Please don't kill me!" "What do you say boys should we spare him?" "NO!" "Well Cork, you heard them, they wanted us to kill you, and we did it very Democratically." "No you didn't!" "Yeah, but who cares!?"

    Back with Santiago... "You know if we want to take a quick route back to Easter Island and then Fiji, we can stow away on that oil tanker, its headed for Indonesia. "Great! Lets go!" The boys entered the oil tanker, and walked into a room in the sleeping compartment. And there, they saw, in the corner, Cork tied up and beaten, and then in the other corner, they saw frogs, and lots of them, and on of them with a mace. "Cork! You're alive!" "Yeah, well not for long!" "Oh, yeah. Mr. frog! Stop what you're doing!" "Why should I?" "Well, you don't really want to kill Cork!" "Uh- yes I do." "Well, just don't! Please!" "Oh, I don't know why I am so nice." The guys went over and untied Cork. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm okay." "OH NO YOU'RE NOT!!" screamed a frog from the corner of the room. "HUH! He has a lighter, and there is oil! I don't want to die!" screamed Joaquin. "Well, I don't have anything to worry about." said Jack. "Oh shut up!" said Pablo. "Sorry." "I'll throw it, I will!" "No Mr. Froggy, don't do it!" "TOO LATE!" yelled a frog. "RUN!!" BOOM!!!!! The tanker exploded and Santiago, Pablo, Jack, Joaquin, Saque, Corky, and five million frogs flew towards Fiji. As they passed over Easter Island, Saque decided that a trip from the air is better than no trip so he yelled to everyone, "Down there is Easter Island, it is one of the big mysteries of the world because of the giant statues!" Unfortunately, Saque's history lesson was drowned out by everyone's screams. "AHHHHH! I don't want to die!!!" screamed Pablo. Well, no one died, they landed in Fiji. "Whew, that was one hell of a ride!" yelled Santiago! "Right Jack!?" "Jack?" "Um, I think that is him." "Where?" "Over on  the cactus."

    And so ends Santiago's Latin American Tour. The frogs stayed in Fiji, and soon became good friends with Corky. Nowadays, the frogs make up more than 70% of Santiago's military. Jack was immediately rushed to a hospital where he was fixed up. Duh, as if he would die!!

 Note: Frog's say Coqui because millions of years ago Corky attacked the frog's ancestors, the frogs wanted revenge on him and they needed the younger people to defeat Corky, and they didn't want anyone to forget, so the frogs keep on repeating Coqui (they can't pronounce their Rs), so as to warn other frog's of Corky's wrong doing. It sounds like ribbit to the untrained ear but listen carefully! Now, that would basically make this story completely worthless since we don't tell you why they say Coqui in the story, only in this ending note. But hey, who cares!!